


Imperfect the Way You Are

by DemonBanisher



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual! Sirius Black, Asexuality, Coming Out, Fluff, Friendship, M/M, Support, coming to terms with your sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:48:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26473669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonBanisher/pseuds/DemonBanisher
Summary: Sirius and Remus move into together after Hogwarts. One day Remus comes home and walks in on Sirius, leading to a candid conversation about Sirius' struggled to accept his asexuality.
Relationships: Sirius Black & Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 42





	Imperfect the Way You Are

Remus came home and entered Sirius' room to find him slamming his laptop shut and tugging the covers up guiltily.

“What were you up?” Remus asked raising a knowing eyebrow in his direction.

Sirius blushed quickly. “It isn’t what it looks like.”

“You dog.” Remus teased, smiling at him cheekily.

Sirius took one look at Remus and then burst into tears.

“Hey, hey,” Remus said sitting down on the side of his bed quickly. “It’s all good, Siri. Everyone does it. Was bound to happen with us moving in together.”

“You don’t get it.” He choked out in between sobs, "You wouldn’t understand.”

Remus thought he did. It had seemed abundantly clear what was happening but Sirius’ sudden tears surprised him. He decided to wait, give Sirius time to voice what was going through his mind, what was really going on.

“I don’t...” Sirius started, and then caught Remus’ eyes and blushed again. “Or I didn’t...” he buried his head in his hands. 

“It’s okay Pads, take your time.” Remus wanted to reach out, touch him, console him, but he knew Sirius’ became very touch adverse in moments like these. 

“I... I... never...”

“Wanked?” Remus provided.

“God, this is so embarrassing.”

“Pads, you’ve seen my scarred, naked body after every full moon. Nothing is too much information anymore. I’m fine discussing any of this. I get the feeling you need to, but if you aren’t ready that’s okay too.”

Sirius nodded slowly and started to play with the edge of the blanket so he didn’t have to look at Remus as he spoke. 

“I never... you know, wanked. I never wanted to or needed to. And I never felt like I was missing out on something either. I think I always knew I was... different. But I was so busy with you and James and Pete at school I was in no rush to figure any of it out. But then... school ended and with all the free time I couldn’t really ignore it anymore. I was doing some poking around and found this pamphlet about...” Sirius breathed in deeply, “about asexuality. And I know I should be okay with it cause you're...”

“Bi?” Remus finished.

Sirius nodded, “And Marlene and Dorcas are gay and I’ve always thought of myself an ally. So now I feel I’m taking on a part of the community that doesn’t belong to me.”

“So when I came in?”

“I was going to,” Sirius said going pink again. “I mean I’ve started to. And I don’t,” he twisted the blanket aggressively in his hand and blinked away the tears that were coming back again, “I don’t want to, I mean it’s fine and all but it doesn’t do anything for me. But it’s just... it’s just... I feel like all my life I didn’t care about this and now I can’t stop thinking about it. Anytime you aren’t here I’m forcing myself to do this to see if I feel anything, like if I do it enough something will change. I watch love shows and read romance novels and there’s just this fear that I’m going to miss out on something.”

He looked up at Remus and Remus' heart stung at the broken look in Sirius grey eyes. The pain that he could no longer hide and the tears that were brimming over the edges with Sirius unable to hold them back.

“All my life I didn’t care Remus. Twenty whole years I was content with you all in my life. But now I can’t stop Rems, no matter how hard I try I can’t turn it off. Every time I see someone kiss or grope each other or something more I think, shouldn’t I want that? And if I don’t want that don’t I forfeit everything that goes with it? The cuddles, the soft moments, the inside jokes or gifts just cause, I mean I still don’t know if I want that either, but Rems I’m going crazy just thinking about it. I know I shouldn’t feel broken but I can't stop thinking if I could just make it better, if I could flip a switch, if I could be normal...” He twisted his hands through his hair and trying to focus on his breathing. His breath was hiccupy and his chest was tight like there was an elephant sitting on it. It was like all his feelings were creating a dam in his lungs and the air could no longer get in.

“Hey, hey Pads, it’s alright.” Remus said, noting the strain in Sirius’ breathing. He gently pulled himself further up onto the bed so he was sitting beside Sirius and went to put an arm around him, pausing to make sure it was okay.

He just held onto Sirius like that for a while, letting him get his breath back a little.

“Look Sirius, I’d tell you don’t have to do anything, you shouldn’t feel forced to jerk off if it’s not something you're interested in, and you don’t have to figure it all out, but I think you know that already don’t you?” 

Sirius nodded slowly.

“Okay, but I can say it to you again, anytime, whenever you need to hear it.” Remus took a deep breath. “It’s going to hurt Sirius, it’s going to hurt for a long time. I’m not going to sugar coat. God, this world, it brainwashes us Sirius and it doesn’t matter how many good people you have around you or how acccepting you are of others, that shit still gets buried deep. My parents didn’t care about my sexuality. You guys didn’t care, but I still wished I could make it go away sometimes. It was hard enough being a werewolf, I just wanted one thing about my life to be normal. Sirius there were days I hated myself, spent hours crying and trying to make myself into something I was not. But there were good days too Sirius, days I was so proud of who I was, proud to be different, to get to be part of this community. But it helped to know that no matter what kind of day I was having I still had you, all of you. When I hated myself, you never did, so it got easier. The shame still comes back sometimes but know those days will come less and less. And know that I love you, I love that you aren’t normal. What even is normal anyways? I’ll never hate you Sirius, not for your sexuality or anything otherwise. If you just need someone to drown out your thoughts with my boring lecture on books or controversial punk rock opinions I’m here for hours Pads.”

“You could never bore me Moony.”

“You sure? In 1882...”

Sirius gave an over dramatic groan and buried his face in Remus' sweater. Remus took it as a good sign that he was back to his affectionate self and wasn’t turning away from Remus’ touch. Remus gently threaded his fingers through Sirius' hair and scratched gently behind his ear. He really was a dog. 

“Sirius?” Remus whispered sometime later. 

“Hmm?” Sirius mumbled sleepily.

“If I could flip a switch. I wouldn’t change anything about you. You’re imperfect exactly the way you are.”

Sirius heart swelled at Remus’ words and he knew there was nothing he could say to show him what it meant to him, so he simply buried himself deeper into Remus and wrapped his arms right around him hoping that he would understand what he meant. He always did.

**Author's Note:**

> This one is very personal to me. Comments, kudos, and feedback are all welcome!


End file.
